You Are Not Alone – Infertility and having more children

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant and my whole pregnancy has been well, crazy.

I saw this great article a few weeks back and I wanted to share it and talk about it for a moment.

People make comments about how they’re sure I can’t wait to be done since pregnancy is so awful, etc. (I’ve blogged elsewhere about comments like this if you’d like to see more). There have been comments about…well what did you “really” want in regards to me having a boy, or before we knew what we were having. This is all besides the point.

Another question I’ve been asked is about what birth control I’ll be going on after, how long we want to wait to try again, etc.

But the thing I feel like most people don’t understand is that…we have come to terms with the fact that there is a very good chance this is going to be our one and only child.

Even now it’s a painful question when asked about our future family plans — and it is no one’s business.

After a miscarriage and two and a half years of fertility treatments, five medicated cycles – including 3 IUIs, we’ve been through a lot already. We are so grateful for our little miracle we have on the way. But the sheer exhaustion, both physically and emotionally of going through fertility treatments was hard enough on just me and my husband. I can’t imagine having a small child and going through all of that again.

I know the physical effects that the medications had on me was hard. I was exhausted, temperamental, clingy and a whole slough of other emotions. Plus the two week waiting window, both to ovulate and to find out if it had worked or not, combined with several appointments a week…I can’t imagine dragging a toddler through all of that.

Maybe I’ll feel really differently when our son is two or three years old and feel that we can all handle it. But I may not.

Plus the fact that when our son is a few months old, I will be moving away from the wonderful team of doctors I had.

Yes I realize that we would be making the conscious decision to not have more children but beyond that it’s the decision to not put ourselves and especially our child, through what was the most difficult journey we have ever been on.

For the meantime, we will enjoy these last few weeks of this pregnancy and our time with our sweet baby, who we are so excited to meet.


You Are Not Alone – Pregnancy PTSD

My husband and I have been saying for months maybe a year…that we have PTSD when it comes pregnancy and trying to get pregnant.

I came across this article and it definitely struck home with me.

That why at almost 37 weeks pregnant I’m still advocating for those with infertility and working with the Bloggers Unite Challenge to spread awareness.

For me, infertility and a miscarriage are something that will never leave me. For awhile I felt it was all that I was. Now I’ve been able to step back a little and move forward with my life. I realized it is a major part of who I am and has definitely changed me, but it is not all that I am.

I am not defined by infertility.

There were so many days during this pregnancy where I’d ask my husband….is this real? But what if…? And he would remind me that thinking like that wouldn’t get me anywhere.

Someone once told me that no matter what happened in this past, today I was pregnant and I loved my baby very much. I couldn’t change what tomorrow would or would not bring.

That has really stayed with me.

I made every possible attempt to enjoy each second of this pregnancy, pleasant or not exactly. The first few kicks, even the queasiness that the first trimester brought. Yes I’ve been exhausted for the last 37 weeks but it is the happiest exhaustion I have ever known.

But so much fear happened in those first few weeks. It’s like we held our breath to make it to the first ultrasound and hear a heartbeat…we’d never done that before. And then we held our breath to make it to six weeks. Then we would wait for each appointment, holding our breath until the heartbeat was again confirmed.

At our 12 week appointment I cried when we saw him pop up on the screen moving and wiggling and heard that nice strong heartbeat. It was the first time my husband had gotten to see him and I will never forget that huge smile on his face.

That day was the first time I thought…maybe this really work.

I cried the entire time at our 17 week appointment as my heart overflowed with love at this little human growing healthy and strong.

But even so, I would still have those moments of panic where I would realize I haven’t felt him move in awhile…is he OK?

I was too terrified to exercise early on because I was afraid of hurting him. There are some food restrictions they give you during pregnancy and even when I craved something that was quite “OK” I was terrified. What if I was the idiot who did something wrong?

And even now I wish I could just check on him and make sure he’s OK in there. I had hoped as things progressed I’d eventually feel relief…but I don’t think I will until my husband is by my side holding our baby for the very first time.

I never realized how infertility and miscarriage could completely change your life but it can.


You Are Not Alone – our infertility journey


For day 2 of National Infertility Awareness Week I wanted to share what we went through our on journey through infertility.

In April 2012 my husband and I decided hey, we’re ready to have a family. After a few months of just going with the flow I realized I needed to be a bit more in control and started sort of tracking things that were happening and realized something might be a little off.

By Christmas of that year, I was a disaster. I was becoming consumed with the fact that nothing was happening. I was frustrated, I was angry, confused and worried.

I spent many days crying that December, pretty much miserable to be around, making an ass of myself to people who I thought were my friends, I was all together a disaster.

In April of 2013 my husband left on deployment. It was awful to be apart from my best friend but at the same time it was almost a relief. No husband = no trying to conceive. For the first time in a year I wasn’t worried about if I was ovulating or not. I wasn’t losing my mind during the two week waiting window. I was just…me. A sad stressed version of myself but still me.

By the time the deployment was over I felt like I had my head on straight again and was completely ready to tackle things. I had blood work, ultrasounds and an HSG done on my end to see where we were at.

After reviewing our results our OBGYN prescribed Clomid. The two cycles we did Clomid, for me, was an absolute nightmare. I don’t know that I have ever been so sick.

After a discussion with my doctor we decided Clomid was not right for us. However the second cycle we were on with yielded a blessing and we found out on December 30th, 2013 that we were pregnant!

We were in disbelief. Did this really work? And it had! We were excited but extremely cautious. 10 days after we discovered our happy news we ended up in the ER with cramping and bleeding and it was like someone had popped a balloon.

The next few days were a blur. Physically I was in discomfort as I went through the miscarriage process. My doctor cleared me to go ahead and try again as soon as we felt ready.

After Clomid we tried Femara, which is similar to Clomid but without some of the major side effects and we saw no improvement.

Next we moved to the Fertility Institute of Hawaii to take the next step. They told us we had both male and female factors contributing to our issues and recommend we do IUIs (Intrauterine Insemination).

We did one month of medication only before going through our first IUI. We were prescribed Follistim which you self inject for a few days at beginning of the cycle to help with egg growth and egg stimulation.

We used this regiment in varying doses as determined by our doctors for five cycles throughout 2014.

In late August I went in for our third IUI…and I haven’t had to go back since. We have no idea how that cycle worked as our numbers were the worst they had been yet….but somehow everything aligned and now here we are, nine months later and less than four weeks away from our due date.

Check out for more information on how you can get involved or for resources on infertility. If you’d like more information from me on each of these tests and methods we tried, feel free to contact me!


Everyone has a secret.

Hope everyone out there had a great weekend. Hoping you got to spend it with friends and family. I was with my military family, and missing my real family.

While yesterday was Easter, it was also the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week, and with that I would like to say a few things.

I feel everyone has some type of secret they live with every day. And ours is dealing with the battle of infertility.

Statistics show 10 to 11% of women struggled with infertility. What exactly does that means? It means that 10 to 11 percent of women are unable to conceive while trying for a period of 12 months or more between the ages of 15-44. Roughly 1.5 million.

And roughly 7.4 million in that age range having sought out infertility treatment services.

Read some quick FAQ about infertility here.

With that said, I am someone who struggles with infertility.

But you’re only 26, you say. It doesn’t matter.

But you’re healthy you say, that also doesn’t matter.

It will happen when it happens, just relax you say, no, it actually may not.

Your husband is gone all the time you say, trust me he has been home enough in the last two years for me to know whether or not we have a problem.

We started seeking treatment this time last year, after a year of struggling on our own.

After seeking medical assistance, we found out on December 30th 2013 that we were pregnant. It was the best feeling in the entire world.

And 10 days later, the worst feeling in the world. On January 10th 2014 we were forced to the ER, only to find out that we were having a miscarriage.

Three moths later and we still grieve for our child that we never had. We would have been 20 weeks pregnant today, halfway to our due date of September 9.

There is not a single day that goes by where I don’t think about the future that we almost had.

For the most part, we have kept many things to ourselves and our closest friends and family. We have been telling others as time has gone on. At first I didn’t know how common miscarriages are. But as I’ve spoken to others, they are more common that I could have imagined.

The reason I’m sharing this today is because I hope that me sharing my experiences will help just one person. For that one person, know you are not alone. And I am so sorry for your loss and your struggles. I wish I could help you. But know how brave and strong you are.

As we come up to the two year mark of trying to conceive, it hasn’t gotten any easier. It is now a part of daily life between doctors appointments, research, answers, more questions, tests and so much more. And watching those around us immediately conceive, or announce their second and third child, it is a constant reminder of what we don’t have and what we’re missing.

Something that seems so easy for others is unbelievably difficult and saddening for 10 percent of couples.

I want everyone to understand the reality of infertility for millions of people and couples. 1 in 8 couples. Think about how many couples you know….it’s a scary reality.

So I ask you this, please go to this link to grab an image and change your Facebook cover photo to show support for me and millions of others like me. There are options to choose from, like “Someone I love is 1 in 8.”

Please help me promote awareness so I can help others who are struggling every day with infertility.

I am 1 in 8.