And when you’re not looking…

So I’ve been sitting on this post for a few months now because I wasn’t sure I even believed what was happening.

After all the struggles we went through to have our sweet L, we knew we would start thinking about a sibling sooner rather than later.

So in March I called a fertility clinic out here, since obviously we’d have to switch since the move from Hawaii.

We had an appointment scheduled for mid-May. I wasn’t sure I was ready to go through that process again, to put L through it. I didn’t like how I felt on Follistim and I hated the person I became during cycles, counting days, timing things, watching the clock. It was exhausting and I couldn’t imagine doing that with a one year old around.

But we scheduled the appointment, wanted to see what our options would be here, and hoped that we’d be adding to our family by the end of the year.

Instead, we had a little miracle happen.

At the beginning of May, I’d been feeling awful. Short of breath, dizzy, exhausted. Just not myself. I was getting ready to call a PCM because I knew something wasn’t quite right and I was just days away from running my first half marathon.

I took a test to rule that out because I knew in my gut there was no way. Not even an option with our issues.

I was shaking and confused when I saw, very clearly, a positive.

I remember falling to my knees and sobbing. Sweet L, with no idea what was happening, came over and hugged me. As I sat there and hugged him back I said thank you over and over and over to him, for helping fix whatever was broken with me. He healed my broken heart and his existence made this possible. He changed everything for us.

Here are some photos we shared of our sweet guy, telling the world what an awesome big brother he will be!

You Are Not Alone – Pregnancy PTSD

My husband and I have been saying for months maybe a year…that we have PTSD when it comes pregnancy and trying to get pregnant.

I came across this article and it definitely struck home with me.

That why at almost 37 weeks pregnant I’m still advocating for those with infertility and working with the Bloggers Unite Challenge to spread awareness.

For me, infertility and a miscarriage are something that will never leave me. For awhile I felt it was all that I was. Now I’ve been able to step back a little and move forward with my life. I realized it is a major part of who I am and has definitely changed me, but it is not all that I am.

I am not defined by infertility.

There were so many days during this pregnancy where I’d ask my husband….is this real? But what if…? And he would remind me that thinking like that wouldn’t get me anywhere.

Someone once told me that no matter what happened in this past, today I was pregnant and I loved my baby very much. I couldn’t change what tomorrow would or would not bring.

That has really stayed with me.

I made every possible attempt to enjoy each second of this pregnancy, pleasant or not exactly. The first few kicks, even the queasiness that the first trimester brought. Yes I’ve been exhausted for the last 37 weeks but it is the happiest exhaustion I have ever known.

But so much fear happened in those first few weeks. It’s like we held our breath to make it to the first ultrasound and hear a heartbeat…we’d never done that before. And then we held our breath to make it to six weeks. Then we would wait for each appointment, holding our breath until the heartbeat was again confirmed.

At our 12 week appointment I cried when we saw him pop up on the screen moving and wiggling and heard that nice strong heartbeat. It was the first time my husband had gotten to see him and I will never forget that huge smile on his face.

That day was the first time I thought…maybe this really work.

I cried the entire time at our 17 week appointment as my heart overflowed with love at this little human growing healthy and strong.

But even so, I would still have those moments of panic where I would realize I haven’t felt him move in awhile…is he OK?

I was too terrified to exercise early on because I was afraid of hurting him. There are some food restrictions they give you during pregnancy and even when I craved something that was quite “OK” I was terrified. What if I was the idiot who did something wrong?

And even now I wish I could just check on him and make sure he’s OK in there. I had hoped as things progressed I’d eventually feel relief…but I don’t think I will until my husband is by my side holding our baby for the very first time.

I never realized how infertility and miscarriage could completely change your life but it can.